frail.

i dont understand why lately my entire body just feels like it is tightly wrapped with fat packets.
honestly i sit here, and i can just feel my self sufficating in chub?

my arms feel thick, the top.  like it feels as if i have gained 2 INCHES on the circumference of the real me.
real me=skinny me= soon to be me*

my thighs touch, and im seeing a muffin top.

pretty much i just feel like a slob, and every moment in my day i feel the insulation.
it's like i honestly cant move without noticing it, it is constant that i feel this way.

also.
so many people around me have gained weight this winter.
like sooo many, i could name a lot.
and i feel really rude for noticing, or even saying it (not to anyone else)
but its so strange that so many people around me who (if not very thin) were very healthy and are all letting go!

i cannot be like them.
i havent been eating any breads/pasta group lately.
and its like i cant, i SAW chips in my house and i just can feel my thick arms.
its not going to happen.

thin is what is going to happen.
i want to just get to perminant 120 and then whatever, yoyo from 115-120. i dont neeed to be 115 but my god i need to hit it once. 

I can't believe how happy I am right now.
It has been weeks upon weeks of me feelings so, happy!

Finally I am over DJ.  Like, I almost feel embarrassed that I ever let someone get that in with me.  And the drugs are gone with him, so it is such a relief!
As for my body, yes.  It is not perfect.  I know this, and still am not content.
But I am optimistic about getting it to be.  Because I can do it easily.

I just have to think.  
Lately I have realized whenever a binge is comming.. why that taste?  WHY do I think that is so great?
The anger I get afterwards is awful.

And the purges that follow have made my glands so swollen.
My face isn't pretty!
And that is what people first see.

So I am on day 2 of my non b/p healthy plan.
I feel pretty okay about it.
Annnd, there isn't some crazy event I have to crash for by the weekend.  So eating when hungry is allowed.

For breakfast today I was pretty hungry, so I had toast with peanut butter.
So there is my bread and protein.

For lunch I had a salad with some nuts.  So vegies and protein.
All the rest of the day I can have a fruit and/or vegies.

I think I'm just going to have a banana for supper, no biggie.

Work, come home. DO some homework since I feel my life is going somewhere.
And then go see friends! 
The best thing about my (newly admitted to myself) bestfriend Kailey, is there is no judgement.  We know we are both conscious about how we eat.. but at the same time she would never worry or get mad if I wanted a healthy choice, or to not eat at all.
Lauren on the other hand always freaks when I dont want to eat or something stupid, but it's because shes a recoverer i guess.

Anyways, in better news!  I might be getting a job at U weight loss clinic. FREE GYM MEMBERSHIP!!

plus it is perrrrfect since I want to be a dietitian, which shows my interest for the position, plus will give me an outlook on my future that i may want.

Anyways! I'm going to do a workout before work again.
My god being high on life is the best thing ever.
No boy and no food can ever make you feel as fufilled as achievement.

 okay this is pretty exciting.
i feel like if i do this for a month i will be little and staying so and healthy, not as tired:

one fruit
one bread
two proteins
unlimited vegies
one fat

those are normal portion sizes i mean.
thats totally healthy, it will make me not b/p (i hope) get some energy, but still lose weight!
plus, then i wont be counting calories as much, my metabolism will have to work with different things daily.


yesterday:
apple w/ tspn peanut  butter -- one fruit one protein
spinach soup, 4 soda crackers -- just a filler, broth.. vegies, one bread
mixed green salad w/ sweet onion dressing -- one fat, vegies
mixed beans and vegies - one protein, vegies.

today i started with half a piece of toast with peanut butter. (one protein one bread)
weird that i ate half and just dont FEEL like finishing it, so heavy in my stomach though.
awesome! drinking coffee and creepin' on here than going to school.

for the rest of the day ill be working, so salad. then after work tonight ill come home and have more mixed veg with beans. 
have a good day yous!

 if i have to make one more goal without achieving this one im going to die.
so pls do it now my godddd.

from sunday-thursdays=  no breads, pastas. no alcohol! just salads, fruits, and 2 proteins a day.
from friday-saturday = alcohol permitted haha. one bread each day (soak up alc).

gotta try to be somewhat healthy right?

its easy just do it.
if you don't do this weeks worth, you are going to be the fattest girl and everyone will talk about "woah, leanne gained soo much weight." just like how you think about other people.
because you already have gained so much weight.
do this week, get on track.
weigh yourself next weekend somewhere.. and then goal to 115.

i find every month there is a week where i can claim my binge/purge week. usually half a week before my period.  well i just past it. its so strange how it happens.
i dont understand if there are literal chemicals that make me want to eat so much, and then they are subsided so drastically.
like today i ate yes, because i came crashing from my coffee intake. haha typical but i had to work rather than nap.

so i ate a few taco chips and a samosa. so high calorie for sure.  so im home from work and its 9 pm and im not gonna eat.
its weird though its not even a force of not eating, i just dont want to. at all.
having a week like that with throwing up so many times that you can't anymore makes it easy to just not desire food.
so now im trying to think of something to do. ill have a work out maybe. and i would like to go out but no one is really up to something.

not like i should complain though. when i go out i drink and there goes a million calories. i always think i should get out to burn them..but staying home gives me zero intake at least.
oh boredome, i hate theeeee.

so lets see. next thursday starts a possible sleep overs with a boy. his parents leave for a trip and he was telling me about it today.  he's so excited. really cute actually.  taught me how to drive standard which was embarrassing but fun.  he's kind of a clown but he makes fun of me a lot, but in a way that makes me laugh.  its nice to have someone not be sympathetic to me since so many people have been since my break up.
he's still really nice though, and really realllly appreciates my company it seems. like we just ran errands today but it was so fun.
anyways. the fact i might start being with a guy again makes me need to spiff up for sure. theres no way i would let a guy touch the side of my stomach right now haha, so full of food from the last week.

i got skinny for the social, aka not eating.  that was a simple one week task. i feel pretty good that i am at a weight that when i gain only i notice but when i lose other people do.  still a shitty mental thing but it makes the goal easier to achieve.
lets think of up and coming events that i need to get skinny for:
FRIDAY - (two days = small tummy all that possible) jenna's birthday, lots of pictures. gah! if i dont eat today, and tomorrow i just dont pound so much coffee so i can handle not crash eating, i should be able to just have a salad after work. OH its dylans tomorrow night too. shit. need to find good camoflauge clothes so i'm not so obviosuly large. because i am.
i just need to really lose the weight for april end of.  because that is when that tremendously cute boy comes for a show. ugggh kyle is sooo cute! haha i have to look good and be little because he is too! that is motivation in itself aahh.

alright so. start to be good for friday. and continue til end of april.  
next month i need to realize when it starts getting to the 17th and my rag eating habits start. 
NO you will not purge. fuck how many times havei said that?
so gross, ugh.

restricting begins, its all that ever works anyways. 

if i ate anywhere near as healthy as i did a year ago, i would be 115 for sure.

like sure i b/p, and barely eat and go through patterns..
but what i do eat is so nasty.
like so fattening.
NO WONDER your legs look huge!

look at lights. she is gorgeous.
thinspo thinspo.

ok so cutting out of diet:
fries
breads/pasta
peanut butter
*anything fried*

only salads when you go out to eat!!!!


okay so today. i already ate peanut butter toast.
but i drank so. i will just not eat the rest of the day.
i work-630 so thats not hard.
NO MINTS. no crackers and jam at work.
just coffee and pop and water.

at least i had protein and energy to get me through the day.
and tonight maybe ill go with lauren to that thing.
and then just chill. no eats.

then tomrorow i work at 5 and then having wine with lauren and i will NOT eat because she always always wants to, and im over it. haha.


biggest thinspo ever:
you and dj are gone forever. 
you just aren't enough to make him want to be here.
so you HAVE to get better.
stop fucking saying you are going to do it and LIVE it now.
and still workout everyday.

skiiinnnnyyyyyy.

things actually look up for me.

or at least i guess they are.
i still find myself depressed at times.
just so sad.
its really sad to realize you dont really have someone completely into you anymore.

just makes you want to cry i guess.
but theeeen on the other side.
its nice to be like:
alright, what do IIIIIII want to do with myself.

i want to be skinny.
last thursday to now i ate so much because i was just drunk all the time.
ugghh haha.

just b/p. i get so so mad at myself for that.
like it sucks, and i eat so fucking much i probably am going to errupt my insides.

anyways!
im not going to eat anymore today.
just get everything together for tonight.

me and some guy pals are going to get hammered and stick around this area.
all the girls want to go downtown but i'm not really feeling it.

its better to be one of the guys, no eating just drinking.
i kinda wanna do blow.
hm strange.
weight issue main reason OF COURSE.

buut i probably wont.
because everyone would find out. blah.
e on the other hand, would be fantastic.

but probably not reasonable.

i need to find something to look skinny in tonight.
buuut. nothing flashy. black pants blue shirt? meh ya.

lets see. stephane loves me.
haha this guy at work. its flattering i guess.
he's so dumb though. buuut not like im anywhere near wanting love in my life anymore.

it was really nice to see dj.
i really like that he pecked me on the head even though it was probably bc he was messed out of his face. but it was nice.
i really like ledwhich and those guys. were all hanging out tonight and it should be fantastic.
getting so loaded. its nice they want to actually get out of the drugs for real. unlike deej. he says he does. bc he knows he shouuuld. but he doesnt want to. and he wont. but whatever. not like im upset about it anymore.  whatever floats his boat riight.

i cant wait for about a week to pass. this week will be really fun. and i have a good feelings ill go down a few lbs. hurray!

payce out. 

123.
without druuugsss thannks you vrrry much.

exciting.
but its also not normal.
i know this.
i just dont have an appetite.

and my god. coffee?
been pounding it like nothing else.
but i need the energy.
low motivation and food intake needs to be balanced somehow.

im so angry though.
like i know im less.
and my legs have gottan smaller within a certain amount of time.

but i looked at myself today in the mirror.
and like my thighs look HUGE.
like bigger than they ever have.
and then i think fuck leanne. you KNOW thats not true,
but i cant help it.
i actaulyl SEE huge legs.

this is starting to freak me out hard.

i want to start a routine in my life. or else ill just keep having these terrible thoughts on lifes point etc.
get over having someone there for you, its alllll you man.
god this is the most depressed ive been in my life. like ever.

its just so weird. 
even knowing i am accomplishing this weight goal.
its just like.
fuck.
who cares?
no one wants you.
faaack.

okay, so i just got smaaasshed like, 3 days? in a row.
enough alcohol pls. it just makes you faaattter!!

sunday. thank heaven, yesterday didnt really pull through as planned.
got home from work.
with steph.
and sat there and ate like taco chips with salsa and refriend beans.

and then told her you had to shower, and purged.
STOP that dude, your face just looks so swollen, always.

went to a party, and there was ooops. more chips.
so i ate a lot i bet, plus drunk.
then went to jules with everyone, and just passed out hahaha.

man drunk.

then got home and was about to fall asleep.
but he calls?
dj i mean.

and its weird that he did. i hope he just wanted an excuse to talk.
i dont know, cant help but miss him.
and it was just so refreshing.
ughh i cant wait til next wknd.
i am so so exciited to see him.
and i hate that he cheated on me and i should be so sad and that i still cant help it.
but i am excited, and im not going to try and numb that one out.

i need to do really well this week.
today: work til 5. study with leah. no eating at all!! (say supper excuse ya!) she'll wanna eat for sure.
monday= school. work 1030-630. take a "late" break aka just eat tossed salad. tan?
tuesday= favorite! just go to school for 1130. then class 1 and study all day til lab at 630! easy.
wednesday. chem exam, work. study during split. maybe eat? salad at work and study? work at night. tan!
thursday = 1130 review for exam. test at 1. go home. nap bc you'll prob have no energy! 
friday= slow day. class at 830 and thats it. tan? go shopppppinnnng!!! get a nice dress or something :)
SATURDAY. thank heaven that day will be so fun. work, fill up on food so you can drink. split and go to mars hommme.

okay. this is good. i can do this.
ready set gooo. 

i work today forever, rats.
i ate yesterday and then purged.
and then didnt eat the rest of the day, even with drinking involved.

hurray! thank god, hello calories haha.
the new he was trying to tell you to, nice heee cares haha.
 but it was so i wouldnt be sick today.
but im not!
so im going to tell him.

i dont actually like him.
its just nice to have someone to fill a tip of this huge fucking black hole.
we arent even going to do anything, but just to talk to. its nice.
i wanna cuddle.
hm.

anyways, so much studying to do today.
ps. we actually have really good conversations.
come to think of it.
probably more inside jokes than me and dj ever did?
like both can hold a pretty good one.
maybe we were like that before too though.

annnnyways.
k work and school. work and school.
study.
dont eat.
work annnnd scccchhhhhhoool!
cool. 

alright.
i'm done with the sad, the pointless questions about why the hell i'm here.
i say this. and i still cry.
but its not the same pain anymore.
i feel pretty numb actually.

people tell me i am so calm and its so great that i "realise what a mistake he made" crap fucking shit fuck garbage shit that everyone THINKS is so great for me to hear.
its not.
i dont give a fuck if he knows how bad this is.

its over, nothing will make me feel better about it. ever.
i know i will never let someone in. they can get my laughs, some romance whatever. 
i feel really bad for the next guy in my life.

bc it wont be dj, and they will never have the same chance to make me feel so disposable.

but you know what?
crazy i never talked to dj about all of this.
it kind of gives me hope. 
like there WAS one thing more important to me.
a fucking eating disorder!

but whatever, you know what.
if me getting thin is something i just need.
like so bad, now is just the best realization to do it.

im thinner, 120.
weight of my drrreaams.
but i mean, i need that 5 less lbs, and i need to do it without being bulimiac.

like even last night, stoked on getting drunk.
and it was so at the end i could puke everything.
and it was the sickest taste.
alcohol vomit is completely acid, as we all know.

anyways, my face is just still so fat because of all the purging, and my skin is the most dry.
 bc im not even binging, at all.
i dont want to eat.
but anything i eat i puke. its sick.

so cut it out.
just eating rarely, get that face thin.
and then it will be all g. pffffffft.
115 yes.

call me uncreative.
lyrics that sum it up.
im done with this starting now, 
no one likes a dweller.

ne = no explanation needed.

brand new- okay i believe you

lyrics                                                                                                             my interpreation.


I'm heaven sent,                                                                                                    ne
Don't you dare forget.                                                                                            ne
I am all you've ever wanted.                                                                               ne
What all the other boys all promised,                                                  no one will care like i did
Sorry I told,                                                                                                             ne
I just needed you to know.                                                                                 ne
I think in decimals and dollars,                                                               im a practical girl, no dramma
I am the cause to all your problems,                                      i saw what you were becoming, didnt stop you
Shelter from cold.                                                                                      i wanted to be the person there for you
We're never alone,                                                                     the old you will always have my heart/
Coordinate brain and mouth,                                                                            ne
Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out,                            ne
Wish I knew.                                                                                                         its not satisfying to be the victom.

I hope this song starts a craze,                                                                        ne
The kinda song that ignites the airwaves.                                                     ne
The kinda song that makes people glad                                                       ne
To be where they are, with whoever they're there with.                               (wish you were)
This is war.                                                                                                          we both dont win, its a fight for me
Every line is about                                                                                               ne
Who I don't wanna write about anymore.                                                      i wish you were out of my head
Hope you come down with something they can't diagnose                      NE.  bc now i
Don't have the cure for.                                                                                       wont be cured. for real.
Holding onto your grudge.                                                                                    
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love.                                                        ne
And keeping quiet is hard.                                                                                  you can only lie once
Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.                   after that it's how it is.
Atleast pretend you didnt wanna get caught.                                                  ne, you're still with her, youre not sorry

We're concentrating on falling apart.                                                                this is my focuss
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.                                               we would have always worked
I just wanna believe,           
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.                                                                                 (i wish i could)

Oh so, c-c-c-c-controversial                                                                               our age, interests. what you did. etc.
We are entirely smooth.                                                                                      ne
We admit to the truth,                                                                                          (you did)
We are the best at what we do.                                                                          ne
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.                                      wish you would have stayed that way
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,                                                   maybe now you will too.
handsome and smart.                                                                                          godddd you were.
Oh my tounge's the only muscle on my body                                                   ne
that works harder then my heart.                                                                        NE
And it's all from watching T.V.                           
And from speeding up my breathing,
Wouldn't stop if I could.                                                                                        can't make it even.
Oh it hurts to be this good.                                                                    not bragging, it fucking blows my heart up
Holding onto your grudge.
Oh it hurts to always have to be
honest with the one that you love.                                                         me to you, that its done.
Oh so let it go.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

(This is the top of the talk)
This is the grace only we can bestow,
This is the price you pay for loss of control,                                                                 ******fuuuccck.********
This is the break in the bend.
This is the closest of calls,
This is the reason your alone,
This is the rise and the fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.
 

it feels good to hear something so absolutely the way i feel.
expecially since i have such trouble speaking my mind.

too bad this isnt for that anyways.
its just to make you not be fucking psyco.

120 lbs still.
whaat the fuck how did that happen.

whhheeen did that happen?
why is everything such a surprise to you haha!?

k.
sunday:
115 yeeeah.

here's crazy me yall.

im so upset. to the point i dont want to be alive.
like its been a few days now.
and then of course, the damn feeling starting coming in to change.
not anger, but just, disapointment.

like,
WHY is he lett you be this hurt?!
WHY IS HE HURTING YOU.
fuck him.

but no not fuck him.
i love him to death.
its selfish of me to say fuck him, he's going through rough shit.
BUT HE MADE THIS ALL HAPPEN.
but he made me feel more important than ever.

i wish i could just wait for him.
i honestly wish with all my heart.
but even if i did,

would i be the same girl to him?
i would like to think i wouldnt hold this against him forever.
but i will,
human.

cant help it.
i dunno.
it just really fucking sucks, like the frusteration is just plugging up my pores.
that big UGGGGGHHHNNNNNNNN AAAHHH.
just want to scream.

why. why did you do this babe?
there wasnt anything wrong, i know you needed to have a rough patch.
but all that will come of it is we will both think. oh darn.

because if this weekend passes.
i'll probably be over it.
i said originally that maybe like (month seeming) we could get back.
but in reality.
we cant.

i actually honestly hope some sort of friendship stems.
bc he knows more than anyone else.
and it fucking blows hard about all of this.

i wish he would just not been as curious as i was to find out.
fuck. still.
i hate how its over. and i was never even planning on it.

remember when he said he never would even think of another girl?
when did this change.
what does shhheeee haave?
whatever.
its over :( 

no matter how many songs and people i listen to, to try and feel better about this situation.
it just really isn't doing anything.

like i just dont understand.
i lovvvve him. i was still infactuated with him.
what is it that she has that i dont?
i dont want to sound terrible. but all i can think is that she also has some inperfections or something and she's more interesting?
not to say i dont.. but i kinda of think about how jenna was to my brother.  like he was just so interested in her.
maybe thats it?

like i dont know what to do.
were done.
but i said for now.
because i jst dont want it to be.

and i just keep crying.
and keep seeing people in public and acting so fucking calm about it.
but its just not the case.

she tells you she's sorry but she continues in to homewrecking.
like forget her. what about him.
whyyyy doesnt he like you???

i just cant stop these feelings.
and it wasnt just this one night shit of not wanting to wake up.
thank you friends for support.
but i dont need this.
like again i just think.
dont wake up pls.


please dont.
im going to take a nap.
i just dont see this point of living here.
what if a:
he goes for jade and then doesnt like her and runs back to me.
THATS NOT FUCKING FAIR.
thats fucking shit. 
why would he have to look around before seeing that im worth it?
why am i never enough to begin with!?

or b:
he's with her and you are just done.
like were done!
thats all there is to it.

im so fucking mad i just dont see a point here.
like iim never going to find someone.

im just one of those people that wont.
i was nice to him.
i wasnt a bitch?
fuck this liiife i still dont want it.

im such a peice of fucking garbage.

just be numb about it.

imagination:
he calls you after only a few days realizing how perfect you both are together. that in itself sets him off to start rebuilding his life and grow up and old with you.
happy days and joy just like in november.

reality:
he's going to love this space. and choice. and he will find some girl to talk to late on the computer for hours about i dont know. life. anything like that.  feel like there is something there so common and strong and be done with me.  

i can't wait for the weekend to come. 
if i dont hear from him, ill know.  because sure. if he needs his space that is fine.  but if he doesnt care to see how im feeling.  he really isnt thinking about me at all and i clearly am not in his thoughts.

last night i finally passed out at some point. who knows. fiona apple is the best music in life at this stage.  i had a nightmare. i was 146 lbs like way back in the day.

day one fast. .. well day 2 you could say as i diiiid empty out my stomach accidently yesterday. but we will just say day 1.
work then do so much homeowkr. you have to do this leanne.

it doesnt matter how in tune your thoughts are.  he can manage to explore and do this to himself as he doesnt pay money for all this school. you haaave to try. at least try?

remember those goals?
get strong again.

like.

here i am again.
eyes heavy, but im not tired.

like really.
whats the fucking point?

i just dont understand.
happiness is just a tease.

a big fucking.
YEAH RIGHT.



yes i have lost weight, and yes no one knows about me.
but fuck it.
having any control in this does not help anything in my life.

sweet.
boys look at you.
they try to like you.
they do.
for a bit..

but whats the fucking wrong with you.
your too nice?
you try to help them so much,

they want your help until they dont?

like this doesnt make fucking sence.


how the hell,
can other girls feel they have some sort of like to him.  clearly he did something to make them feel stronger than friends. like she seems to actually LIKE him.

as in sad they wouldnt speak. or call? like when the fuck did this happen.





oooooh right. all the fucking time.
because your just some useless girl that is, what? good for show?

i have never felt so useless.
so utterly undesired and no matter what.

im still a fucking failer. i dont even know what the point of me being alive is.
i can try to look as nice, and be as nice as i can.

and its never enough.

\



the worst thing is thinking i was. fucking clown.
you will never be enough.
you will never be the one for anyone.
why they fuck am i here?

i swear to god dont wake up tomrorow.
it would be such a relief.

im tired of feeling this way. why has every guy figured theres better to do.
i dont want to be heeeere.
pleaes dont wake up?

ive been alone. fine.
but not worth this.

fcuking stop crying you fuck up. like this is why you are shit.
it never helps. if you are ever good it wont be forever.

why the fuck did you let him in.
WHY AM I ALIVE. i dont want to be. 
if someone could shoot me i would die with a fucking smile. 

because i would be in fucking peace.
fuccck this fuck fuck i hate me so much.
theres just no point.alksgf;alsduioyhgf 

and now a new addition.
alone.

hurrray! [sarcasm duh]

i guess all this fuckin time can now be pointed towards this direction so i can do something right.
i was excited i didnt throw up today.

but then i did.
but it wasnt actually because i ate (an hour before)
just sick to my stomach.

fuck this all.
im so mad that for some fucking reason i can never be good enough for someone.
i need to fix me.

fuuuuucccccckkkk this stupid fucking life. its all shit. its all fucking shit. and all i can do is act understanding. 

when the hell will my god damn hero come into play.
no such fucking thing. 

i guess i have fucking motivation to get my body right and then maybe ill get and organized fucking life.
i have no goals without him, he was fucking the world to me.

i can make other goals, sure.
but what's the good in them if he isnt there to make it that much better?

fuck fuck fuck.

i just. ughhhhhhhhh.

i get back to this damn spot no matter how hard i try.

when im a happy person, i am fine.  no kidding? but i mean when friends, family, my just schooling or whatever are good.  i dont look at myself in disgust.  it is really just a mood thing. and now here i am again.

but its just because of those fucking drugs.  like WHY the hell was i ever so lieneint about my boyfreidn trying them back in the day.  why the fuck did i do them to?  nonetheless, i feel like im totally away from that.  sounds dramatic.  but going to cuba and seeing other people in the world happy to make that much money even.  makes me just think.  like i want to make my life as successful as i can.  not by fucking money, but happieness.  all those drugs did was make that moment fun, and everything else a useless blurr.  im so happy to see it now, and so upset that he doesnt.

six month.  he ditches out. oh of course im pissed right off. what girl wouldnt be.  then he turns it around selfishly. doesnt apologise, makes me feel baad for even bringing it up.  like ugh. that just blows my mind.  i know he is confused with a lot right now.  i know how that age is.  im still living it.  im overwelmed everyday.  hence this body disorder. something i can control, or easily try to.  
i try to tell him im there for him always.  but when he starts chosing it overr me.  how can i?  i cant be there if he isnt there for me.  i am so upset.  he is the first person i have ever told everything, yes minus this.  i cant bring this up though, it will just make it reality.  i like to just have my good and bad days.  because if im happy this is non existant.  telling him would make every meal, every bite.  something to think about.  
it was his birthday, so i know he wanted to do drugs.  thats why i asked him if he was.  im such a care free girlfriend.  i hate being like this but even my brother says i have to be.  he probably will think that my snapping is ridiculous and cruel and blah. i am pretty sure he wont take it as planned.  it takes a lot to get outta your head and see the picture.  i did it last month though, so i wish he could to.
i remember why i liked being single now?  but it sucks knowing i found the one and its just gettting so fuckecd up.
i hate growing uppp. grow down pls. 

Its pretty fantastic.
The trip was incredible, literally life changing.

You are in such beauty, and you are so far away from any american ruling.

And that simply made me a better person I think.
I got away from the judging and looking at girls.
There are no supermodels around, and in fact, these not so perfect girls are not near as big as us north americans. Because they are healthy. They are happy.

I am never going to do drugs again.
No thanks. 
Life is too prescious.

I had the best time of my life there, just enjoying good weather and enjoying conversation with phenomenal, smart cubans that worked there.  I feel sad for not being there still. I miss them!

I now have a new set of goals for myself, in many in many different aspects.

I want my hair to get long, no bangs, natural.
No more worry about the nunmber on the scale.  
Focus on Habits. No binging, no puring.
Diet: fruit breakfast, salad lunch, either salad, strifry, or if unhealthy, just snack, no indulging heavily)
Exercise: start cardio 3 times a week. No worries, just get lungs healthy.

Quit smoking!
This might take a few months, but attempt at getting there :)

Tanned: stay tanned. makes you more positive for sure.
Learn spanish. you know you will be back there very soon.  Dont be so ignorant and learn! Yo Necesito! haha (i need to).

Do well in your classes for this semster.  Then summer will be a nice time to plan for the year ahead without worries with dad or mom.  Buckle down so you can have a good future.

Money:  No shopping for 2 months. Til mid April.  Eating out is a no.
save all tips for trip minus 15% left for night spending money.
pay phone bill and put down about 100$ month on visa!

**TRY so hard to get 2000$ saved by end of april SO YOU CAN GO TO MEXICO!!**

finally.
life seems to have so much possibilies rather than looking in a mirror to see if my butt is smaller?
fuck that. 

like am i completely insane?
i dont understand how some days i feel little (staff party) and other days i feel like every item of clothing is going to rip of my body due to tightness.
like i just want this to go away.
well, i want to stay slim but just not be so friggin slef conscious, its embarrassing.

when i first started dating my boyfriend it was great bc it was once i already had an established eating routine living on my own.
but now im back at my dads when he constantly talks about eating food so it doesnt go to waste.
MY BODY ISNT A FREAKIN GARBAGE.
like why doesnt he understand throwing it away would make me 109734065982 times happier. ugh.

i dont even care about going to cuba on the weekend. seriously, the only reason i want to go is to be in a strange place where i cant eat crap annnd cant puke it up so at least i will making get a routine down, and be happy enough with it to stay on track when i get home.

UGH why the HELL does he harrass me about so much food. i just want to tell him to shut his damn mouth and drink some more wine. alcoholic. ugh.

now as for the other side. i seriosuly am getting worried about this. i dont want to eat crap. but i dont want to throw up shit either.  i hoenstly dont think i have gone a solid week in the last.. 7 months? without doing one purge.  it's ridiculs. the other day i puked til my nose started to bleed. today i threw up grapes?
like i why am i doing this?? i know i need help. but it's just something i dont really think about until im alone. 

but im always dehydrated, and the only days i find myself not purging is when i have no alone time, or a day after i have done E when i cant bc theres no way food goes into my body that day after. i love the day after actually. like you have no water in your body, sucked all out.  loook thin.  UGH im fucked.

anyways, i actually almost told my boyfriend all about it new years day.  we were on E and talking about everything about us that no ones knows. but that is just the one and only thing i cant bring up.  maybe its because i really dont want to get help.  and i dont want him being in the same position as with his ex.  and if i say it out loud, it become real i guess.  until someone knows, its almost as if im just exagerrating everything on here and really, im fine.
maybe? hm. either way i love him all the most. he would be the person to tell. lauren KNEW i had it, but i dunno. i think she thinks i still do.  but we havent talked about it since september, so maybe she thinks im over it. i just dont want anyone dealin with my garbage.  i need to get the controll myself. 

i acpect big things after cuba. i need to get my life back in track here.